This morning, after a horible night’s sleep, I had vague recolections about writing something last night. Having just re-read the experience, I have been debating whether to keep it there or not. I’ve decided to let it stay if only for my own reasons as oppossed to meeting the needs of anyone else. It’s a bit stark and not terribly well written (I’m leaving in the typos as is, although the spelling errors are forever gone), but it is an honest recording of a moment in my life, so I’ve decided to let it stay.
Anxiety is an issue with which I have struggled most of my life. It is one of the reasons, I suspect, that I’ve developed the calm demeaner that I have. I try to remain calm on the exterior to help calm myself on the interior. Even so, it can still be debilitating. Staying calm on the outside sometimes requires that I burry my head in the sand, losing myself in videogames or other mind-numbing activities as simply a way to keep the anxiety at bay. It does not always lead to being a very productive person, unfortunately.
My rational mind, fortunately or unfortunately, is not often affected by the anxiety. It is fortunate in the sense that I can still sound reasonable and calm under the worst of circumstances. It is unfortunate in that I am fully well aware that I AM burying my head in the sand. My efforts to keep my anxiety at bay lead to a considerable loss of productivity. There are medications and they do help, but I find that they are more likely to produce a state in which I simply don’t CARE that I’m not being productive. Either way I find myself in a constant state of doing nothing, and either being anxious about it or not caring.
This is not a new insight for me as I’ve had it before and forgotten about it. I’m hoping this blog entry will serve as a reminder. Sorry to trouble y’all with my inner demons. I promise I will be back to writing Second Life related stuff again tomorrow.
Hugs to anyone who wants or needs one.